


Fix This

by negickapologist (neganstonguething)



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Divorce AU, M/M, NZ au, Pining, Regan secret santa 2k17, Sad Christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 12:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13123689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neganstonguething/pseuds/negickapologist
Summary: Negan wanted a divorce and now he doesn't. Rick wants things to make sense.My contribution to Tumblr's Regan Secret Santa. The request was "divorce au babyyyy"





	Fix This

Rick should have cut Negan off after the divorce, but he doesn't have the heart to. The thing is, when marriage ends, it doesn't always mean that love goes with it.

The sex never stopped. And Rick knows it probably won't as long as Negan is a part of his life.

And Negan is always going to be a part of his life.

Judith and Carl see Negan as a father figure. Even almost a year after he and Rick have been apart, he's still their stepdad. He's still a pivotal part of their lives. Judith still squeals with glee when Negan comes by to visit, and Carl always tries to steal a few moments to chat with him.

Rick values this part of Negan. He's happy to keep it alive. And it wouldn't be so hard to if Negan didn't always come to _him_ as well.

And if Rick could successfully keep his distance. It seems like every time Negan comes by and spends his time with the kids, he manages to find a moment with Rick as well. Rick tries to tell him no, but the words always fail him. Every damn time Negan looks at him with that pain and longing in his eyes, the " _We can't_ " Rick has prepared shifts to a " _We shouldn't_ ," and then finally to a " _This is the last time_ ," before Rick caves in to the painful thrumming of his heart and lets Negan take him in the bed they once shared.

The reason for their divorce is hazy, but Rick knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was necessary. Negan just doesn't operate well in a family setting. He gets situated in a routine, and then he gets scared. Ever the dynamic person, he's not sure how to deal with suddenly having to stay put and focus on things like settling down and raising a family. A steady job has never been his strong suit, and Negan is far more agitated when he's restricted than Rick cares to be around all the time.

His love for Negan is boundless, though, and back when they had been together, it had been even more powerful. Negan had been honest with him about cheating on his wife before her death, and he'd been genuinely apologetic. Rick had trusted him, and he'd at least made sure that trust wasn't in vain.

But Negan had gotten scared. He'd wanted out. And Rick, scared _for_  him, had let him out.

As a result, Negan is always coming back. _Always_. And while he does so, he does cruel things like telling Rick he still loves him and asking him out to dinner. He suggests they try dating again, and Rick feels disgusted and used. He always tells him no, and somehow, he always ends up in bed with him anyway.

But whether Rick wants to admit it or not, he needs the contact as much as Negan needs it. He still loves the man so incredibly much that it sometimes sucks the breath right out of his lungs, and when he feels those lips on his or hears the rumble of that deep voice on the skin of his neck, his entire chest feels like it might explode.

And it's never going to go away, because Rick would much rather suffer the intense waves of his emotions instead of take Negan away from kids who have become just as much his own as they are Rick's.

That's why Negan got invited to Christmas dinner. That's why the two of them are awkwardly standing amidst a massive group of Rick's family and friends, pretending that miserable gap doesn't exist between them. Everyone knows they aren't together, but they all welcome Negan like he's a part of the family anyway. Rick's younger brother pulls Negan into his mother's recreation room for a game of darts, and Rick's mother pulls him aside.

"...I wish you'd stop lookin' after him like he's your puppy," Rick's mother chides, her eyebrows furrowed pitifully. "He's a grown man, Rick. Enjoy your Christmas dinner."

"I'm enjoyin' it just fine, Mom," Rick says with a long sigh. "I just...it's awkward."

"It's gonna be," she responds. "But you've gotta make it work. You can start by bein' his friend."

Rick's expression of defeat probably doesn't escape his mother. If only she knew what kind of relationship he and Negan had right now. But he doesn't have the heart to tell her he can't push himself from Negan's arms. He already feels pathetic enough, as it is.

"...I know. Wish it was that easy, though."

The woman exhales in understanding, and then pulls her son in for a hug. "It'll work out, baby. You just have to be strong. I can't imagine what you're goin' through right now."

"Thanks, Mom." Rick smiles and kisses his mother's cheek.

Judith and her cousin spend most of their time running around outside. Here in Georgia, it's just a cold and rainy winter this year. The temperatures are just high enough that the sleet risk has been avoided. No snow, no white Christmas, but it works out alright. The children have a blast together anyway.

Carl has the attention of older relatives--cheery aunts and grandparents who can't stop fawning over how quickly he's grown up. He smiles and takes the awkward hugs and lipstick-covered kisses, thanking them all as they compliment him and tell him how handsome he is. He laughs when someone suggests he needs to cut his hair.

Needless to say, the children are quite preoccupied. And with Rick's parents visiting with other relatives, Rick decides it's time to step out onto the front porch for some fresh air. He takes a beer his father shoves into his hand and shuffles out.

His parents have a big front porch--one with netting fenced around it like walls, built to keep the bugs out. This time, it helps to dull down the strength of the rain and wind, and the space heater Rick's mother has running keeps it mostly warm. He knows she probably doesn't keep the heater out here aside from special occasions, so he takes advantage of the warmth and enjoys the porch he has to himself.

It's Christmas Eve, and despite the awkwardness that Negan has created in his presence, Rick feels festive. He can't wait for Christmas morning with his children. He and Carl have spent an entire day working on cookies and pies and are prepared to open presents and laze around together the entire day.

His children are his life, Rick thinks, and if there ever comes a day when he stops speaking to Negan altogether, he figures it'll be alright. So long as he's got Carl and Judith.

"...Hey."

 _Speak of the devil_...

Rick doesn't look back to acknowledge Negan. He's standing at the front of the room, with his gaze focused through the netting at the hazy weather.

Negan approaches. Rick can tell by the rhythm of the heavy footsteps that he's moving to stand behind him. He doesn't protest when Negan's arms slide around his waist from behind and he moves to rest his chin on his former husband's shoulder.

"There's all kinds of fun shit to do inside. The hell are you out here for?"

When Negan tries to kiss Rick's neck, he shoves Negan away.

"You can't do that anymore," he tries. It's the same argument he's made to Negan's advances for months, now. It never ends in success.

It's got to, though.

But god, he already misses the warmth of Negan's arms around him...

"I'm sorry," Negan says, and Rick knows what he's going to tell him before he speaks again. "I just miss you."

' _I miss you too_.'

"Negan, please..." Rick finally turns to face him, desperation in his eyes. "Not here. Not now. I can't do this. We've...we've gotta stop this."

Negan looks devastated, like he always does. But here, at Christmas dinner with Rick's family, it feels final. Rick feels it too, and it burns him from the inside out. He doesn't _want_  it to be final. Like Negan, he's content for one more kiss, one more chance to be enveloped by the body of someone he loves too dearly for his own goddamn good.

But this isn't healthy. Rick knows it, and so does Negan.

"Babe... don't fucking do this," Negan pleads. "It's the holiday. Let's not make this about our own personal bullshit."

"That's an excuse and you _know_  it." Rick narrows his eyes.

"Actually, no," Negan retorts bitterly, "it's not. Who else do I have to spend Christmas with, huh? Shit, who else do I _want_  to spend it with?"

"Stop," Rick tries again.

"Rick. You know I'm always gonna lo--"

"Don't you _dare_  say that, Negan." Rick narrows his eyes.

"Why?" Negan argues back, tension giving way to anger between both of them. "Because we're _separated_? I'm sorry, but feelings don't just disappear."

"You wanted _out,_ " Rick growls at him. "You wanted to _leave_. You don't get to say that word anymore."

He can feel the emotion at the back of his throat, and it sickens him. He doesn't want to look weak here, at his mother's home. He doesn't want to look weak in front of Negan.

"I did what I thought needed fucking done." Negan grits his teeth. Rick appreciates the few feet of distance between them.

"You've got commitment issues," Rick snarls. "You're selfish for thinkin' you can still have me after leavin' me. You can't just cut a few damn strings and expect it to be like it was before. I _married_  you, Negan. That was supposed to _mean_  somethin'."

"I was married before and my goddamn wife fucking _died,_  Rick." Negan's voice is somewhere between a growl and a whisper and it tears Rick up right down to the bones.

Negan takes the opportunity to continue speaking. "When a thing seems like it's going fine and dandy is usually when it goes to shit. I love you. I loved you then, and I love you now. I love you so much that when I started thinking something could happen to you, I panicked. My wife was _fine_  until I married her. And I wanted _you_  to be fine."

"Negan," Rick sighs, "that's..." Stupid? Asinine? Childish? Yeah, it's all of those. But his heart still aches something fierce when he thinks about the meaning behind all of it.

"It's ridiculous, I fucking know that part already. But if I could find some way to keep you from getting sick...or from having to deal with my nervous bullshit thinking you were gonna get sick...I was gonna fucking do it."

Rick's shoulders slump. Suddenly, he's not at a dinner with his family. Suddenly, it's just himself and Negan and the intensity of their conversation, and Rick loves him so much, and Rick _hates_ him so much. It overflows from his body in the form of big, ugly tears welling up in his eyes.

"That's not fair. You can't just _decide_ to end a relationship over that." Rick's voice shakes. "You don't just get the good parts of a marriage, Negan. You _divorced_  me over this? That's...you're a goddamn coward."

He sees how deeply those words cut. Sees the disheartened look on Negan's face. Sees the way his shoulders fall. The way the anger and concern give way to hurt, and then to understanding. If there's one thing Rick has always appreciated about Negan, it's that he knows everything he's done wrong. He agrees with Rick here.

"Yeah...I am." Negan nods, lips framing into a sad smile. "I gave up the one fucking chance at something good in my piece of shit life."

"You can't have it back," Rick says softly. He feels the warmth and moisture of tears falling down his cheeks finally. He hasn't cried over his divorce with Negan in months. Now that the reasoning behind it all is out, it feels like he's just now getting to emote over it. He loves Negan so much. Wishes he'd have talked to him about this instead of pushing him away.

"Not like this," Rick continues, making an approach toward Negan. He stops just inches in front of the taller man, letting Negan see everything in his features. All the hurt and sadness and longing. "You need to figure your shit out. You want back in, it needs to be for the long haul. No more takin' what you can get."

It hits Negan for real this time. Rick sees him falter, and he sees the downcast expression give way to a nod of acceptance.

"That's what I want, Rick. I love you so fucking much."

Rick smiles this time, an appreciative one. "...then prove it. Do it for me, and for Carl and Judy."

Negan nods more quickly this time. "...okay. Holy shit, I can't believe you're giving me a chance. I don't deserve it."

"No," Rick laughs, "you don't. But I want you back. Just...not like this. It's too broken. It's not real enough. And I want you to be ready to lose me, so you don't suffer the way you did with your wife."

They fall silent there, and when Negan reaches up to wipe the tears from Rick's eyes with his thumbs, Rick doesn't fight it. Nor does he when Negan kisses his forehead, or slides his arms around his shoulders. He winces in emotional pain when Negan buries his face in his hair, but he feels hope when the man speaks again.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Rick. I'm gonna fix this."

* * *

 


End file.
